


pen, paper and lost time

by Blepbean



Category: Life Is Strange 2 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, JDXJJZJS I MESSED UP THE TAGS ITS SEAN/FINN NOT DANIEL/FINN OKAY, Letters, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Post canon, Post-Redemption Ending, Small bit of Fluff at the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:01:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22160728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blepbean/pseuds/Blepbean
Summary: The wolf brother’s story ended at the border, Sean sacrificed himself to give Daniel a good life. Now he’s stuck behind bars for fifteen years, Sean uses pen and paper to send letters to Finn to make up for the lost time ticking by.
Relationships: Sean Diaz/Finn
Comments: 4
Kudos: 45





	pen, paper and lost time

**Author's Note:**

> So this is an idea that came from [this post](https://myouixx.tumblr.com/post/190015598403/what-if-sean-and-finn-kept-in-touch-while-sean-was) Thank u so much for the inspiration! Anyways it’s late here, only re-read and checked this one so soz for any mistakes. 
> 
> Kudos, comments and feedback is appreciated

_ (There’s doodles of Finn at the edges of the paper, some serious ones and some more romantic and cheesy ones, him and Finn holding hands in the winter and another one of them sleeping next to each other) _

_ Can't stop thinking Finn... _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


They’re like a forbidden relationship, keep it hidden from everyone else, tuck the little letters between the wall and the leg of his bed so that they can’t find it, he’ll send little drawings of Finn that he’ll have to send in the  _ box  _ at the right time otherwise they will tear it all up in front of himself. He remembered the first time it happened, stood there so hopeless as they taunted him, watching his only spark of communication with  _ him  _ get ripped away. Sean got in a lengthy fight with them, bloody with bruises all over. He spent solitary confinement that night. They send letters to each other ,Sean with his drawings and little messages andFinn would always reply to him, a lengthy letter about any life updates.

Except that he’s in prison, and Finn is out  _ there  _ living his life. 

It sends a numbing  _ pang  _ inside his chest as he reads the letter that Finn sent him a few weeks ago. One that’s hastily done and poorly written. He doesn’t blame him, Finn has his whole life he’s living. But it’s the more recent one he has of him, not much written except that Cassidy misses him and a quick  _ I love you  _ scribbled down at the bottom of the page. 

That’s it. And he doesn’t even know what  _ they  _ are, are they in a relationship, or something that can’t be named and it’s sitting in the weird grey neutral area. Finn doesn’t visit him, Lyla and his mother come every month while Daniel goes every two weeks. But Finn—

He never sees him, the only contact through sweet fleeting letters and soft sweet drawings of Finn. Sean wants  _ more _ , to see Finn in person and he’ll cry, laugh, maybe both. He’ll collapse into his arms and Finn will say  _ hey sweetie  _ while everyone looks at them all weird. He wants more than just silly little letters and the little silly wood carvings that Finn sends him on his birthday, he wants to  _ see  _ him every single day, with his silly fucked up humour and sly smiles. 

_ I shouldn’t be dreaming that hard _

He scribbles little doodles into his sketchbook (which they allowed him to keep, just a pen and his sketchbook that’s slowly running out of pages). That’s it, like they stripped everything of him and left him nothing except for two things. He wants more, like the little souvenirs that he collected throughout their journey, or the pine cones that Daniel always collected. It’s him, he  _ always  _ wants something more, something he couldn’t grow out of when he went to jail. _ Always keep your fucking cool habits and personality to yourself Sean, prison changes you, trust me dude.  _

And when he stands up and stretches in his cell and stares at the calendar with his 19th birthday marked like he’s suddenly going to lose memory and forget, all the memories of him and Daniel going down to  _ Puerto Loboz  _ for this to happen will go down the drain, all the laughs and the bond that him and Daniel shared, the moment of bliss at the motel, the peaceful forests as they wander, the camp down by California that always feels _ alive  _ and also the little hideaway from reality called  _ away _ . He doesn’t want to forget it all. He’ll forget the kiss that he had with Finn, the tenderness of him, the aura that Finn has and the softness that he always brings, the  _ awakening _ he had all from  _ Finn. _ It’ll all be forgotten, like the universe decided that it didn’t take away enough from his fingertips

“Hey Sean,” one of the inmates often comes by to check up on him, he doesn't tell him his name however, “you said you we were gonna go on a run around the cramped up gym outside,” he pauses, staring at Sean’s sketchbook, “you still up for it?”

Sean nods, “yeah sure, just give me a few moments, I’ll be down in a while.” He waves him and says that he’ll be by the door when he’s ready and leaves. Sean wipes away the dust from his orange, uncomfortable and itchy clothes. But before he heads out of his cell, walks out to the cramped gym to enjoy the last stretches of morning while the guards pest him to hurry up with his only friend that he made here. He stares underneath his bed, thinking of Finn.

_ Always thinking of Finn _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Hi Finn _

_ Quick letter today Finn (didn’t have time _

_ To do doodling shit), I’ll be sending something really fucking to you that’s really important, I know you haven’t sent a letter back in a while just say hi to Daniel to me and also to the Reynolds when you past by. _

_ From Sean _

  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s busy in the kitchen during dinner time, Sean has to constantly wipe away the sweat that forms on his forehead. It’s crowded, messy with no room for error otherwise it’s going to be him clearing up the kitchen. Afterwards. Sean makes sure to stay away from the serving front, not wanting to catch a gaze from the guard that almost caught him sneaking chips into his cell. He stays at the back, pretending to stir the pot of chicken soup, he sees himself in the yellowish murky liquid. He notices the bandage on his eye, how it’s slightly crooked or the beard that’s slowly coming in or the scar on his collarbone that he can barely see. The reflection doesn’t look like him, it doesn’t  _ feel  _ like home. All these years going by and it’s changing him so fast.

It’s terrifying.

His shift quickly ends quicker than he thought, he passes by the inmate that takes over (nice guy, should talk to him more though) and heads to his cell, he can eat later, he isn’t hungry right now. Sean feels his pace quickens, the guards staring at him all weird, the inmates heading to the dining area, he feels all their eyes onto him, burying deep into his scarred skin. He doesn’t care about that right now, he needs to finish something he put his mind into.

He runs up the stairs, each deafening creak of the metal stairs echoing throughout the jail. Sean reaches his cell, goes on top of his bed and reaches for the paper just between his bed and the wall. He’s careful not to crease it, it’s precious, he doesn’t want to ruin it. It isn’t like any other doodle that Sean sends to Finn, drawn in his sketchbook that he rips out and it’s usually full of creases and little fingerprint marks. This drawing is different, special. No creases, no fingerprint, kept safe and hidden for a few days.

Sean gently sets it in front of him, making sure that there isn’t any smudges or creases. He can’t afford to mess this up, it’s the only chance he has. He already stole crayons last night which almost landed him solitary confinement, coloured pencils bought from someone in the bathroom which costs all his pocket money, he even got Daniel to buy this piece of good quality paper. 

He smiles at it, it’s the first coloured piece he’s done of Finn in prison. Although the crayon is a little more chalky than he wants to, or maybe the colour is fading away and taking all its colour away. It doesn’t matter to Sean, it’s the first piece of art that’s full of vibrancy and colour of Finn in the camp, leaning against the tree and carving  _ something  _ into a piece of wood. In the picture Finn probably picked up the piece of wood along the way, Sean would invite him to go on a little walk through the woods, and he’ll find the perfect one, look at Sean in the eyes and say  _ aww sweetie it looks just like you.  _ They’ll laugh for a moment until the trance of awkwardness settles in afterwards, gone are the laughter, replaced by lingering eyes wanting so much  _ more  _ than joking around and looking at the sunrise while smoking a joint.

This starts to bring Sean back to  _ that  _ night. He vividly remembers clearly, him and Daniel’s last night, a farewell party.

_ There’s the absolute bliss, innocence in the air, music faintly playing through the cheap speakers with the fairy lights hung up that sometimes flickers. The wildlife at night is loud, but somehow quiet. Finn looks at him so gingerly as he sits next to him on a piece of log, they both stare at the little stupid party in front of them. The conversation slowly gradually increases, more and more, a heist, more money for Daniel, yes. But when Finn looks at him with those gorgeous blue eyes, clearer than the purest oceans, so deep that he could drown in it, the auto or his captivating him and slowly letting him in. He lets himself get closer to Finn lets himself get lost with Finn’s soft kiss. And when it was over, when he looked at him in the eyes afterwards. Sean wanted to stay, even. If it’s just an hour longer or a minute. Any time he can scrap by and make this moment last longer, to stay here so much more than just a few seconds. He leaves, feeling so strange but relieved. He feels Finn’s lingering eyes on him, he hates to leave, but he has to check up on Daniel. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Hi sweetie  _

_ Got that amazing fucking drawing from you. I loved it, I do. I carry it with me all the time now like some sort of lucky charm or someshit like when husbands have their wife’s little photos in their wallets. Yeah, it’s kinda like that. Except plus sized (don’t worry I keep it in a plastic pocket and it’s just in my backpack, I even took a photo of it and made it my home screen). Cassidy’s been on my ass abt it, saying shit like ‘aww you got a drawing from lover boy’ well fuck her (this is from Cassidy, love u Sean and Finn u forgot to give me five bucks from that bet) I wish we can see each other every single day _

_ I guess that’s just how life is fucking unfair to us. I got ripped off and you ended up in jail because of some newbie, racist as cop thought that you hurt that privileged white kid. I sometimes wish that maybe this wouldn’t have happened, little changes and maybe you and Daniel wouldn’t be running (but you wouldn’t have met me but I’ll take that) maybe if we could turn back the clock and go back to the past or someshit, maybe if I did something, maybe if you did something then you wouldn’t be in jail and maybe you and Daniel would still be seattle. Don’t worry about me though, I’ll still be hopping from place to place with my family (but my heart will always be with you) and I did turn back time and stop it all from Happening then you wouldn’t know me, kissed me, knew me. That’s fine, it’s something that I’ll trade off. Me for your peaceful life. _

_ Jesus fucking Christ that was too much for a hippie like me, I’m re-reading this and It sounds so fucking pretentious and cliche. But what do u know, I’m just some hippie but I think everyone thinks about this. Gotta go, I think Jacob is joining us for a while, he likes to join us on our train hopping fun from time to time, he’s really changed so much it’s not funny (plus he got a smoking hot boyfriend, should send a photo, he’s really hot) _

_ From your hippie lover bullshit  _

_ Finn _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He’s read the letter that Finn send to him twice today now, he keeps going back to his cell to read it, to remind him of the sparkling piece of light in the world that siphones all colour and memories. Sean sometimes smiles at the little spelling mistakes or the scribbled out words, attempts of trying to convey his words correctly. Other times he thinks of what Finn was thinking when he wrote this, he was high, but did he write this when he was in the train with Cassidy and the others? Or maybe in the middle of the night when he had to write down a thought that spilled into a full letter.

Sean doesn’t know, he’s glad that Finn still writes letters. Daniel never does, a few occasional long ones from Lyla which is usually filled with her plans for her future which makes Sean miss discussing their future in the skatepark and daydreaming with the unbearable Seattle summer sun with melting cool slurpees about the apartment they will all get in the city. But it never happened, and she’s out there living her life as an activist on racial problems while Sean is stuck here.

But what makes bearable, to push through the bruises that he earned from accidentally bumping into the gangs in the prison, to hold his breath and to become invisible in prison to only feel the poisonous loneliness settling in and often crying in the middle of the nights are the letters. Letters knowing that people out there care, waiting for him to get out. Daniel would hug tightly him as soon as he gets out and tell him stories with him and Chris, Lyla would cry into his shoulders and try to get the gang back together. But Finn, Sean will collapse into into his arms and spill his tears all ugly, then they’ll go on a simple road trip down where the weed farm used to be and they’ll camp there and relive special memories that they crave. The kiss that awakened everything like his sexuality, add new ones like a swim by the lake in the middle of the night.

It’s these types of things that keeps him going.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ (A letter containing simple doodles, random ones. Some of Sean, some of Finn. Some of random objects in the camp like the coffee machine that’s always full in the morning because Penny always reminds him to’) _

_ When are you seeing me Finn? _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“You okay?” Says Adam, the inmate that went on a run with him, he’s filled with many secrets just like Sean, “looks like you were caught between it all.” Adam stays just outside his cell, waiting for Sean to tell him that he can come in. It’s basically their whole entire friendship, checking up on each other but not enough that they’re friends.

Sean puts his pen down, skating his thumb over doodles of Daniel and Finn, random thoughts and phrases litter the page, “I’m fine, all they gave me a is an ice pack,” Sean laughs, staring at Adam, “threw it away though, fucker wasn’t even cold.” Sean winces, biting his lip. He shouldn’t have gotten into another fight, he’s lucky the guards didn’t find out.

Adam dryly chuckles, looking around to see if anyone is around, “you don’t have to tell me, but what do you draw in there?”

Sean picks his pen up again, feeling parts that doesn’t have any paint on it with his thumb. He nods towards Adam, inviting him to step closer and come in. They know is against the rules for two inmates to be in the same cell, but they’ll make it quick, they always do.

Sean can trust Adam, right? They don’t know enough about each other that they sort of trust one another, like lingering acquaintances with shared secrets. He hesitantly hands the sketchbook to Adam, who carefully handles it with care, like he knows how it feels to have the only thing that relates to somebody outside.

“Who’s Finn?” He asks, the sound of pages rustling filling the silence.

Sean bites his lips, hesitating to answer him, scared that once the secret is out it’ll spread like wildfire and he’ll slowly be killed by the walls of this prison.

“Just… someone I know, he’s  _ special.  _ He sends letters.”

“ _ Letters,”  _ Adam says, repeating Sean, he hands Sean the sketchbook back, “does Finn relate with the  _ thing  _ that happened at Seattle?” Adam asks, but he instantly regrets what he said the second it left his mouth, he mouths a  _ you don’t have to talk about,  _ not wanting to talk about it out loud. Sean answers with by his shaking his head. 

“You’re lucky, Sean,” Adam continues, crossing his arms and looking at the floor, “I used to have a Finn like you, promised that he’ll send letters every week. It worked for a while, then weeks turned into months and months turned to years and then… nothing.”

“Do you know what happened to him, why your  _ Finn _ stopped responding back?” Sean asks, it feels strange to have conversations like these, like they’re crossing unknown territory with these questions. Sean doesn’t mind it, as long as it's between him and Adam.

Adam gazes at his hands, Sean notices him doing this, he wonders what is means, “I don’t know. He just stopped. I still have the last letter that he sent before he stopped. I hope he’s doing well.”

All this made him think about him and Finn. Hoping that him and Finn won’t end up like that, hanging onto promises that they cannot bare and hold, with letters turning scarcer and shorter, drawings slowly losing more passion and quirks, weeks turned into months and into yearly letters filled with the ghosts of what they used to do, words meaning nothing, only to fill space and time. With promises that they’ll keep contact then it’ll all end in without him noticing is _terrifying_.

“Don’t lose him, Sean,” Adam says, Sean looks at him, “don’t make the same mistake I did.”

He walks out of the door, leaving Sean to his own thoughts and lingering doubts.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Hi sweetheart  _

_ I’m close to beavers creek, we no longer doing weed work btw (too many fucking memories) I’ll drop by Daniel and Reynolds. I asked Daniel if Claire would be okay with Penny, Cassidy, Hannah and Jacob and Daniel said Claire doesn’t really care, fucking dope! They can’t wait, I can’t wait to meet your grandparents. Nothings been happening except that Penny said that he might separate from the group for a bit to really focus on finding jinx, I wish him good luck, maybe draw him a picture or something (Penny here, you really don’t have to dude, also Sean tell your boyfriend to stop getting so sappy. Hey, Finn here, fuck you Penny) _

_ So it’s just a month away and we’re just slowly crawling our way towards beaver fucking creek. Gonna be a loooooong and tedious time, Jacob is quiet but when he’s talking about his boyfriend and he looks so giddy when he talks abt him. Cassidy is playing a new song, pretty fucking dope, here are some of the lyrics it’s kinda like a poet _

_ Are we lost? _

_ Wandering through the little fucked up corner of the world _

_ Do they mind? _

_ Because we disappeared ages ago  _

_ Do they care? _

_ Because we left to leave it all behind  _

_ To become a little family that runs away dim everything  _

_ Pretty rad right? It’s like a song for us, as fucking cliche as what’s coming up and the lyrics are, I miss you, I fucking love you okay? I think about you every single day Sean Diaz, don't change.  _

_ P.S here’s a little sticker that I found that reminded me of you _

_ From your favourite hippie _

_ (Although it’s a little ripped at the edges, its still noticeable. It’s a picture of a wolf, howling into the night.) _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s usual for Sean to re-read letters from Finn, spend as much time as possible to appreciate the sweetest words that he took the time to write on paper. The writing looks neater, but the grammar is a little messy it looks like it was rolled into a ball then thrown into the bin with the amount of creases in it. Finn wasn’t high writing this, but maybe he was lazy or just irritated during the time.

Sean sighs, putting the letter on top of his bed and checks outside his cell. It’s free time in the afternoon, Inmates wandering around the building to fill the time, he sees some entering the bathroom together that’s probably for a trade or for weed, the others are playing cards with someone or by themselves with their lips pressed into a thin line. Sean doesn’t play cards that much, maybe he can Adam next time, not now though, he has to get his eye cleaned.

He walks the long, haunting hallways that’s cleaner than the rest. Just full of guards staring at him, bland white walls and lazily decorations. It’s a separate part from the building, the medical section. Sean stands in front of the reception and sees the guard working there, he’s seen him a few times. 

“Eye check?” The guard asks, he’s nicer than the rest. 

Sean scratches the back of his neck, “yeah, you know the drill.”

A loud buzz fills the air, “she’s waiting for you down the corridor.”

“Thanks.”

Sean enters the little area that doesn’t feel like a prison, but more like a hospital like the one back where he was for two months. He thinks about that place every time, the looming guilt and fear that they’ll never find Daniel, the monotonous two months going by, feeling trapped more than here. He prefers this prison than back there.

He remembers how to get there without looking up every time, the door to the right near the end that’s slightly ajar with the smell vanilla air freshener that’s so sharp and strong that it starts to hurt his nose. He comes inside, not really paying attention, just letting his body go with the flow as his mind wanders. 

Sean’s not thinking about the doctor on site that’s telling him to stare at the light as she moves it around, it’s a simple exercise that he can do in seconds. He doesn’t care about her telling things about his depth perception because he’s heard it a thousand times, it’ll  _ always  _ be affected like Joey said (how is he doing?) it’ll be something he’ll get used to.

Rather, he’s thinking about something else as he stares at the white tiled floor while she’s going through her little cabinets to find the dressing and saline. He’s thinking about the letter that he’ll write tonight, he hasn’t written a proper one to Finn, only quick sentences written in quick succession because he doesn’t want afterthoughts plaguing him.

“You got all that Sean?”

“Yeah,” he says, “I do.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ (There’s a drawing of his cell sketched out in the corner, Sean didn’t bother to finish it) _

_ Hey Finn _

_ haven’t written a proper letter to you sorry. I only write simple sentences then quick little drawings of maybe you, Daniel or something I find. I’m really not good at words, I don’t know why I just find it hard. Maybe you’re right, or my Dad was right. Maybe I’m a better artist or drawer or whatever the fuck. I just… I miss you, a lot like I really miss you okay? And I really love you, so much it’s starting to hurt. Fuck I’m even crying while writing this because of you, of that night everything changed and like a whole new world opened because of you and it’s kinda scary. Like I actually like boys too and then the whole world I suddenly wider and now I’m missing you every single day, I miss you, I miss you smile or hearing you stupid ‘sweetie’ _

_ I miss you okay, come back to me, please. _

_ Love, Sean _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Finn hasn’t responded back in two weeks, which is fine. It’s usually longer, a lot longer. Stretching to four weeks and sometimes even two months, letting life and time fill the in between and blurring the time and Sean starts to forget about the letter just a little bit and when he responds back, it’s like a sigh of relief that Finn still cares.

But he’s finding it hard to sort of wait, he’s impatient, even affecting his life in jail. Sean almost landed himself a death sentence by almost pissing of the inmate, being late to Friday notices and even just getting to places too quickly. 

“You right you there Sean?” Adam asks. Sean looks around the busy dining room, full of clattering utensils and lively chatter, but in plain sight both of them know there’s hidden dealings and threats being thrown around, perhaps being escape plans.

Sean stops stirring his chunky potato soup that looked like it was made from the depths of hell, he pushes the tray aside and sighs, “yeah, I’m out of it lately, sorry.”

“Got something to do with that Finn of yours?”

Sean chuckles, they’re getting into dangerous territory of knowing each other that’s it’s starting to scare him, “yeah, not his fault, or mine. Just life.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ (There’s an autumn leaf stuck to the top, there’s also piece of wood cake with it, with a carving of a little heart on it) _

_ Sup _

_ Sean Diaz don’t you give me any shit for that carving , Daniel and Cassidy forced me to do it. If I wanted, I could’ve made like an entire carving of like a wolf or something but I probably would’ve choped my fucking fingers off. But that’s fine, everything for u sweetheart (that’s fucking gross -Daniel ) _

_ It’s not a wolf, but it’s something. We rented a shitty motel near beavers creek. Saw a couple of people inside the house that I didn’t expect, Lyla (Daniel said that you were like best friends, I can see. She even talked about some chick called Jenn which is apparently your crush, even described her in detail and after hearing about it you could have done so much better she sounded so fucking pretentious, but luckily I’m here to steal a certain Diaz’s heart and make him question his sexuality) she seems cool, glad she’s your best friend. I didn’t expect a full on meet n greet in your grandparents house, pretty fucking packed if you ask me. Wanted to get out of the house sometimes, Lyla joined me. Afterwards, we smoked a couple of joints (got Lyla to join) near the place that Daniel told me where you guys spent the woods at (poor mushroom)  _

_ It was pretty chill, told many stories. Jacob ranted about her sisters health, she’s fine but fucked and it’s being looked after by his extended family, Lyla talked about you and your friendship which was sooo fucking sweet.. It kinda felt like that time back at the weed farm when there was the campfire, but you aren’t here and I couldn’t keep looking at you with the corner of my eyes and hoping to drop some sort of hints thats wayyy to fucking obvious (just fucking with u). So that’s how the whole thing went, good company with good old grandma food (tell her to season her casserole) and then a little high trip down by the forest.  _

_ I read your letter sweetie after we got back. I’m sorry, I miss you too okay? Just hang in there, believe me I want to see you every single shitty day but fuck does life gotta screw us over. Just gotta pass through it, then we’ll be living like kings down by Puerto Loboz with cocktails and living the dream by the beach _

_ I love you _

_ Finn _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A cigarette in jail isn’t like gold, it’s more rare, more precious than just a piece of useless metal. People go crazy and usually try to find it by trading in the bathrooms or stealing it from the sleeping guards. But he got one, a gift from Adam ( _ don’t thank me and I don’t want it Sean, I just don’t smoke anymore, also brings in too many painful memories)  _

He leans against the bathroom stall and puts the rolled cigarette between his lip. He gets the lighter from his dad, he looks at it, full of scratches and dents, with the  _ Puerto Loboz  _ still intact. He smuggled it in, it’s his dad, he feels safe knowing that’s it’s in his pockets.

The lighter clicks open and the weak flame sputters to life for only a few seconds. It’s enough to light the cigarette, he pockets the lighter in his pocket and inhales, feeling the sudden rush of heat and some sort of relief go through his body. Sean draws the cigarette out, putting it between his two fingers and exhales, letting the smoke twirl into the air and disappearing.

And at that moment when he puts the cigarette back between his lips as he stares at the graffiti in the bathroom stall, with the words scribbled written in black sharpie  _ first day in 1999,  _ then written with a knife next to it  _ leaving in 2021 _ does he realise the amount of time he’s going to be jeers. The long stretches of time itself ticking away for something he didn’t do, getting wrongly punished for something that was purely a mistake.

The feeling breaks him, how he’s never going to see Daniel grow up and be a petty teenager like him. He also can’t experience simple things in life, a run in the park or just a road trip down the south at night with the windows down and the radio blasting an old gorillaz song that he’ll hum as he drives. And it also dawns on him that he'll never have a normal relationship with Finn, he can never wake up and feel Finn next to him, with little morning kisses and they’ll slowly start their day by clinging onto one another. It hurts him, how he’ll never have it. The possibility is taunting him, the urge for something to turn back the time and reset the clock and turn back the mistakes. It hurts  _ so much  _ he starts to cry. 

He hides it by puffing out a puff of smoke.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ (There’s more sketches this time filling the page, though they’re less detailed, less work out into them. They're more random, decaying flowers between the cracks of the footpath, a basketball, a bird, clouds, jail bars, his food tray, a sketch of a guard that was nice to him. There’s no sketches of Daniel or Finn, none, no reference pointing towards them) _

_ Can’t stop thinking about you, so I’ll start thinking of other things. Hopefully it’ll help. _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Sean wakes up from a nightmare in cold sweat, feeling the cold night air trying to steal his own oxygen. He breathes deeply and slowly, he brings his legs close to his chest and sits against the wall, staring at the blaring red sign that says  _ exit. _

He had another nightmare, four times in a row. There were simple at first, falling, dying, paralysis. But this one is different from the rest, it showed Finn, like the universe is taunting him more about his choices and consequences. Finn almost died from Merrill in the weed farm, there was no Daniel, no _ free out of card jail  _ , no way to save him, none. He just died by Merrill shotgun, the deafening boom of the shotgun sends monotonous ringing inside his ears, letting the blood spread across the floor and seeping the documents on the ground. And Merrill, he laughs, he doesn’t care, mocks Sean and shot him too.

He runs his hands through his messy hair that’s too long, hoping that it’ll somehow bring a distraction to him. It works for a few moments, a few seconds. He’s grateful for those few moments that he manages to trick himself, before it all falls away so quickly and he starts to think about his dream again.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_ Sean _

_ There’s so much stupid shit i wanna say to u. but I have too much to say. I can’t say it to you in a stupid letter. I’ll try to call you in the next week.  _

_ From Finn _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He keeps turning the letter over and over again. Hoping that more words will come through and appears revealing so much more than a few simple sentences that Finn wrote. Hopefully there’s more, right?

“You have a visitor, Sean, Follow me.”

“Yeah I know it’s Daniel,” he says, and he starts to follow him, “you don’t have to tell me every time.”

“Standard procedures,” he says, “sorry.”

They pass through the dining room then go to a hallway, the one that’s used to go to the medical area. A loud buzz fills the air and the door opens, he follows the guard close to him. He remember this place to vividly, a whole area being monitored 24/7, guards armed with heavy guns, every guard in edge. But it’s one of the more freeing spaces, with the windows drawn and the light coming in there’s also the lively, cheerful chatter that’s different from the dining room. Conversations about life, catching up.  _ How have you been, I finally got a job, I’m moving out, I found a new girlfriend. _

He looks around for Daniel, his eyes searching from table to table, from conversation to conversation. He can’t find him, usually he’s close to the entrance or he’ll greet Sean with a hug but—

He sees Finn, standing right there as he stares at his phone. He looks tired, heavy bags sagging underneath his eyes. Finn looks like he lazily threw on a grey sports hoodie on the way out with cuffed light washed jeans while he put on vans on the doorway, like he was spending all these months and years looking for Sean, scouring the towns and cities and going from high to low. Then one day, he found it, wakes up in a hurry and sprinted all the way to here. He’s here now, Finn’s here, in person. Sean doesn’t know what to say, what to do as he’s frozen, stuck with tears welling in his eyes. It’s all for him, Sean can’t believe it.

“Finn?”

He looks up, those eye blue eyes are so  _ deep,  _ full of emotions when he looks at Sean. Deep like the trenches in the oceans, overflowing with relief and love that Sean thought that he would drown in them. He wants to look at them longer.

“Sean.”

He slowly approaches a Finn, afraid that it’s all a brittle little dream and it’ll come all shattering once he touches him and he’ll wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. That this,  _ him  _ right in front of him, isn’t real, isn’t reality, not  _ real. _

Sean slowly reaches for Finn’s hand, his hands shaky, eyes full of tears. He’s close, just an inch away. It’s not that hard to hold someone’s hand, just grip their hand tight and don’t let go, but he can’t do it, fear and doubts setting in and making a barrier.

“Sweetie, I missed you.”

Sean looks up to Finn looking at him, he still has those piercings, those tattoos that tell little stories and secrets that Finn can’t bare himself. He still has his dreadlocks, though he notices they’re a little shorter. Sean laughs at this. He feels Finn close the gap on their hand, feeling the warm feeling of contact,  _ human contact.  _ It feels like the warmth from a campfire, a gentle warmth, the comfort of knowing that this is  _ home.  _ To him, home is many things, places, people.

_ Finn _

Sean grips his hand tighter.  _ Don’t leave,  _ he wants to say out loud,  _ don’t leave me, never leave me ever again, don’t let go, stay here with me, it doesn’t have to be forever just stay here for a day or two, just say yes, don’t let it become an afterthought or a jest, I don’t care if you’re lying to me I just need to hear those words out loud.  _ He wants to say it out loud, but instead he stomachs it and lets it stay inside him. Sean’s crying now, sobbing, shaking, snot, tears falling down his cheeks as Finn tries to wipe them away with his thumb. It’s a sweet, tender gesture that Sean appreciates.

“I thought I’ll never see you again.”

“I know.”

“I thought you'd leave me, Finn.”

“I know.”

They press their foreheads together, their lips a few inches apart. There’s a sort of tenderness to this, nothing like romantic that’ll make his heart skip a beat, there’s softness, a true meaning to this and not just to swoon Sean. It’s the fact that Finn’s tenderly cares for Sean, not willing to let him go to the past and to use the excuse  _ I forgot.  _ Finn cares, he just didn’t have enough time to dip himself full while in his promise.

And Sean’s fine with hesitation, because the wait is worth after seeing Finn all this time. He misses the sweet, short kiss that Finn gives him, one that’s so full of love that isn’t all grand like chocolate and flowers. No, it’s the simple tenderness that’s best, Sean can’t take the overwhelming love right now, the simple quiet ones will do.

Sean lets himself be held, to fall apart into his arms and to slowly repair himself while he’s hiding in the crook of his neck.

“I love you so much.” Sean mumbles.

No amount of letters, or countless drawings of Finn back at camp can describe how much he cares about a Finn. None, it’s complicated, but simple too, sweet and tender while not overbearing. It’s impossible to describe it, a soft tender love that’s intoxicating.

“I love you too.”

  
  
  
  



End file.
